


If I had only known

by Y0urs_Truly



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Positive Ending, Comfort, Fluff, Grieving, M/M, Mentions of Pennywise, Mentions of the Other Losers, Minor Bill Denbrough/Stanley Uris, Stenbrough, good ending, mentions of emotional trauma, mentions of georgie's death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-01-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:41:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22283548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Y0urs_Truly/pseuds/Y0urs_Truly
Summary: If I had only knownIt was the last walk in the rainI'd keep you out for hours in the stormI would hold your handLike a life line to my heartUnderneath the thunder we'd be warmIf I had only knownIt was our last walk in the rain~Where Stanley wakes up due to a thunderstorm in the middle of the night and notices Bill is no longer in bed.
Relationships: Bill Denbrough & Stanley Uris
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	If I had only known

A tired sigh followed by a yawn left Stanley's lips.  
He had been sound asleep; no dreams, no trouble dozing off... But Mother Nature had decided it was not the right time to nap... Even though it was in fact two o'clock.

The heavy rain sounded harshly against the glass, the wind causing the branches of some trees to crack and slap against the windows.  
The thunder was absolutely deafening, waking Stanley up even though he had been sleeping fairly deeply...

An irritated sigh rolled over his lips, but he simply decided to try his best to ignore it... The storm probably - hopefully- wouldn't last too long...  
He could just cuddle up to Bill and neglect the fact that they were in the middle of a fucking thunderstorm...

As soon as he'd turned around in the big, comfortable bed though, Stanley knew something was off.  
No matter where his hands wandered, he was unable to find the warm and calming presence of his boyfriend.

Slowly but surely, he opened his eyes, which were luckily already adjusted to the dark.  
He pushed himself up - just a little - and looked around to try and spot Bill... But without any success.  
Wait, where was he?

Stanley exhaled deeply and sat up.  
Since both of their parents had happened to be out of town for the weekend, Bill had invited Stanley to stay the night.

He had been absolutely delighted.  
Spending some quality time with Bill was often a very difficult task...  
School demanded a lot of their spare time, just like the rest of the Losers did.  
They were hardly ever on their own.  
So yeah, this weekend was an absolute gift from heaven.

They had watched a movie or two, made themselves dinner, they'd lain on the bed while listening to some of their favorite music, cuddled...  
And it had been absolutely amazing.

Stanley had found himself enjoying those little things. Those little moments where Bill made him laugh, or touched him so gently...  
The small, memorable moments made him the happiest. 

Like the feeling of their hands accidentally brushing together, a sudden, random peck on his cheek, Bill's laughter, how he always tended to pull him just a tiny bit closer...

Those were the moments he would remember forever.  
The ones he would keep craving forever.

"Bill?"  
His voice was subdued and almost impossible to overhear due to the loudness of the rain and the howling wind.  
Where had he ran off to?  
Stanley ran his fingers through his messy hair and shuffled to the edge of the bed, taking the blanket and wrapping it around his shoulders.

Maybe he'd woken up and quickly gone to close some windows... Or maybe he was scared of thunder?

Stanley frowned and shook his head at that thought.  
Nah, Bill wasn't scared of thunder, he would've known if he was-

But right when he wanted to head over to the door, his heart skipped a beat...  
Jesus, what in-  
He noticed the silhouette at the window, sitting completely still.  
It looked a little creepy from up where he was standing... But oh well, he'd seen worse.

He blinked slowly and wrapped his arms around himself, slowly taking a few steps forward.  
What was he doing, sitting there like a statue?  
Wasn't he tired and cold?  
Was he sleepwalking maybe?

When he was only a meter away, he carefully reached out for Bill's shoulder.  
"What's up?"

The reaction he got was unexpected to say at least.  
Bill jolted like crazy, leaning away and his head shooting up at him with the speed of lightning.

"Sorry-", Stanley uttered, kind of surprised at that heavy reaction,"I didn't mean to scare you– Hey, why are you..."

Stanley quietened in a mere second.  
He stared into Bill's glossy eyes, watched how a fat tear rolled down his already wet cheeks.  
His eyes widened and concern took over his whole being. What was going on here?

He cautiously sat down next to him, eyes still on his face.  
Bill averted his eyes at that, quickly wiping away the tears rolling down his cheeks.

"Bill?", he wrapped his hand around his boyfriend's, noticing how cold and trembly it actually was,"Hey... What's going on?"

Bill sniffled and softly shook his head, seemingly calming down... Until another sob escaped from his lips, making him grasp for his chest.

Stanley bit the inside of his cheek, his heart beating frantically.  
He squeezed Bill's hand softly and placed his other on his lower arm.  
Shit, he was so fucking cold.

He let go for just an instant, to be able to wrap the blanket he brought over both of their shoulders, inching a little closer to his boyfriend.  
He would catch a cold like this.

"Sshhttt...", he uttered, continue to gently rub his arm,"Billy, please talk to me..."

Bill rubbed his eyes and clenched his hand around Stanley's, apparently needing some time before he was able to speak properly.  
"I... S-Sorry...", was the first thing he brought out,"It's j-just– G-Georgie..." 

He wasn't really able to say anything else, another sob interrupting him.  
Stanley blinked warily at his explanation, not really following... Until he looked out of the window again.

Oh... Of course.  
The weather.

His heart twisted in his chest, an icky feeling taking over as he realized what he meant.

"I'm so sorry", he whispered,"I completely- I'm so sorry Bill..."

He had no idea what to say right now.  
He obviously saw the link between the morning Georgie had disappeared and the current storm.  
He imagined how Bill had been seated right in front of this same window as he'd seen him walk away for the very last time that day... 

He felt sick in the stomach.

"Is there anything I can do?", he asked in a whisper, his fingertips gently caressing his upper arm.  
Maybe he could make him some tea? 

When he thought that, he wanted to immediately slap himself. Jesus, as if tea could possibly cover up the sadness over his dead brother.

Stanley was just winging it, had no idea what he could _possibly_ do to lighten the pain and sadness Bill was going through.

It was probably the stupidest question he could've asked him. Something he'd heard from many people after his little brother's death.  
But... it was better than not saying anything at all, right?  
He wanted him to know that he cared.

There didn't follow an immediate answer to his question, the only thing audible the heavy rain splashing against the windows.  
But right when Stanley started to assume it had indeed been the worst question - one he wouldn't have to expect a reply on - Bill turned his head.

"C-Can I... Can I j-just have a h-hu-hug?"

His voice broke halfway the sentence, a heart-wrenching sob following right after.  
Seeing Bill like this released a bunch of emotions he could barely describe.  
But the most dominant things he felt were powerlessness and sorrow.

"Of course", he whispered, opening his arms and wrapping them around his back as soon as he leaned in.  
He rested his own cheek against Bill's soft, auburn hair, feeling him tremble slightly.  
Every smothered sob made Stanley's heart crumble a little more.

Although it was something they hardly ever talked about anymore, he knew the loss was one of the hardest and most painful things Bill had ever lived through.  
Even though years had passed, Georgie's death had always been the touchiest subject.  
It had left the biggest impression on Bill. It would probably be the heaviest memory he would carry along during his life.

It had broken him, taken away a part of his youth, smashed his heart.  
And even after a long time, there was still a part of it torn to little pieces.  
And Stanley knew that whatever he said, whatever he did, he would never, ever be able to heal that part.

He held him as tightly as he could, feeling him quiver against his chest.

He knew Bill was someone who bottled everything up.  
He'd hide his sadness and grief and would put on a smile... Until something triggered him very badly, or until it simply became too much.

Stanley knew Bill couldn't really count on his parents when it came to talking or crying about the loss of his younger brother.  
They seemed to have developed... some kind of insensitivity when it came to that.  
As if whenever Georgie's name was mentioned, their heart turned into stone.

He didn't want to know how many times they'd told Bill to drop it, to not mention his name again, to leave them alone, how often they'd simply ignored him.  
No wonder Bill hardly ever mentioned it...  
But he was still hurting.  
He was hurting very badly.

Stanley pressed a soft kiss to his crown and closed his eyes, rubbing his back up and down.  
He wanted to be there for him. He wanted him to know that he could turn to him whenever he felt down.

"I'll hold you as long as you need to be held", he whispered calmly,"I'll stay until you feel better. You can cry as much as you need to... I'm not going anywhere."

He could faintly feel Bill nod against his chest, his arms wrapping around his waist just a little tighter.

They sat there for a long time... Until Bill had calmed down and he would only sniffle now and then...  
But neither of the two let go.

It didn't take Stanley very long before he started dozing off, pretty much unable to fight against the sleepiness even though he wanted to.  
He sighed softly and caressed Bill's shoulderblades in a gentle and caring way.

The storm had slowly but surely quietened down to a soft, steady rainfall, just like Bill had become more composed again.  
He was now just cuddled up to Stanley, his head pressing against his chest.

He wasn't entirely sure if he was still awake, to be fair...  
Stanley hummed and carded his fingers through Bill's hair, pushing a soft kiss to his temple.  
"Babe?"

A soft hum left his boyfriend's lips, who seemed to be close to sleeping as well.

"Let's go back to bed", he told him,"You'll catch a cold..."

He inhaled deeply, then nodded slightly.  
When he sat up, Stanley immediately missed his warmth.

Bill's eyes were red and his face was puffy and swollen...  
But he still looked beautiful as ever.

Stanley reached for his cheeks and stroked them with the back of his a hand, his heart clenching in his chest.  
God... He didn't want to see him so sad... He wished he could take away all the negative emotions and feelings...  
He wish he could go through all of this in his place.

"I'm sorry", Bill suddenly whispered,"I... I completely l-lost it... I sh-shouldn't j-just..."

Stanley stared at him confusedly, till he realized what he was doing.  
"Don't apologize", he said, moving his hands down to his shoulders,"Don't you dare to apologize, I will literally tape your mouth if you continue."

Bill looked baffled at that, shutting up right away.  
For a second a confused, yet sweet smile formed on his lips.  
His doe eyes looked a little wary, as if he didn't quite understand the fuss.  
"... I just... I m-meant to s-say... Next time, you d-don't have to get out of b-bed-"  
"Of course I have to."

Stanley showed a concerned frown, consolingly rubbing his arms up and down.  
"Bill, _of course_ I'll get up when you're crying."

Bill stared down at him and chewed on his bottom lip, blinking rapidly as if he tried to avoid tearing up once again.  
Stanley reached for his face and started rubbing his cheeks again in a loving and comforting way.  
"Ssshhtt... It's alright", he whispered,"Let's go lay down, okay?"

He stood up and pushed a warm kiss to his forehead, reaching out for his hands.  
Stanley pulled him up and lead him all the way to the bed.

"I'll be the big spoon this time", he whispered, a subtle smile on his face,"But just this time... I ain't giving up my little spoon privilege."

He carefully pushed the other's hair out of his eyes and was overly happy to notice Bill had to smile at that, even if it was just for one instant.

As soon as they were laying down, Stanley pulled Bill close and hugged him from behind.  
He wanted to make sure he was feeling cared for and safe, that he knew he was right beside him whenever he felt lost.

He closed his eyes and left a sweet peck against the back of his neck.  
Bill, who was probably the most important person ever to him, deserved to know that he was loved.

Every inch of Stanley felt the need to adore him, to make sure he was happy at all times, to be the person he could trust and turn to whenever he needed it.  
And even though he knew that was kind of impossible, he still felt sad when he couldn't bring himself to fulfil those ideals.

They were quiet for a long while then, Stanley's head resting against Bill's back and their fingers intertwined against his chest.

Even though Stanley had been very tired earlier, all evidence of that had disappeared.  
He was very awake now, aware of each little movement and sound the other made.

He wanted to sleep, but he simply couldn't anymore.

He was pretty sure that Bill in fact was.  
His breathing was steady and calm...  
But then the other suddenly turned around in his arms, facing him.

They stared in each other's eyes for a little while, before Bill inched closer.  
Soon enough his boyfriend's full, pouty lips brushed against his.  
Stanley subconsciously closed his eyes, leaning in as if it had become an automatism.

The kisses he received were the loveliest, their noses rubbing together and Bill's fingers carding through Stanley's messy curls.

Although they were brief, innocent and there wasn't any tongue involved, they felt like the most genuine signs of affection, leaving Stan's skin all tingly.

After a minute or two, Bill pulled back and rested his forehead against Stanley's his eyes closed.

"Th-Thank you..."  
Stanley hummed and frowned lightly:"For?"  
"For ev-verything...", he told him,"For c-caring for me, being p-patient... For l-listening... You're the b-best."

He inhaled deeply and looked him right in the eyes.  
"You l-literally mean the w-world to me, St-Stan..."

Stanley's heart felt heavy seeing Bill like this... But he felt even worse knowing the other thought it was a big deal.  
Loving, listening and caring for Bill came so easy for him...  
And yet, Bill seemingly wasn't used to being treated well anymore. 

Stanley's fingertips brushed over his boyfriend's jawline, slowly but surely moving down to his lips.  
He inhaled deeply and looked into his beautiful eyes.

"I could never not love you, Billy", he whispered, wrapping an arm around his back and inching closer.

"And I promise to keep taking care of you. Because you have done the same exact thing for me multiple times before...",he told him,"But please, Bill, I beg you... Talk to me. Don't bottle all these nasty feelings up. Come to me and tell me about it, cry about it... I know it's not as easy as it sounds, but it would make such a big difference."

Bill nodded softly, but hesitantly.  
"I- It's j-just... hard."  
He clenched the sheets into his fists and closed his eyes shut.

"It's... It's so unfair- And... It's just unfair, Stanley. It's so fucking unfair- And my parents, they just... They don't seem to give a fuck? And it hurts... it _hurts_. I could _never_ put into words how much."

Stanley'd gone completely silent, letting the other rant about it as long as he needed to.

Just the fact that he was barely stuttering meant that it went deep.

"And... I tried to be like them... At least for a while, but- I c-can't. I can't just forget about him. I can't just go on with my life as if nothing happened. Because what happened w-wasn't just a freak accident- It wasn't just a coincidence– It- I lied and- It was my..."

Bill's face scrunched up and he stopped talking, his bottom lip trembling heavily.  
"I should've been next to him to hold his hand. Fuck, it should've been _me_ Stanley- It-"

Stanley's eyes widened at that and an electric shock ran down his spine.

"Bill-", he whispered,"Don't say that kind of stuff– Bill, look at me- Look at me."

He frowned worriedly, taking his chin in his hand and making him look him in the eye.  
Did he really believe that it had been his responsibility?  
Was he really still blaming himself after everything what had happened?

"Bill, it wasn't your fault", he whispered,"It has never been."  
He carefully let go and placed his hand on his chest, rubbing it consolingly.  
Bill swallowed and sniffled subduedly.

"The only fucker who's responsible for this is–"

Stanley's chest clenched at the simple idea of pronouncing the name.

He inhaled deeply and shook his head. He wasn't going to say it.  
He simply couldn't when he tried his very best to block the memories the name brought along out so badly.

"Billy", he placed both his hands flat against the other's chest,"You were the best brother to Georgie. He loved you. He was your biggest admirer.  
Your only mistake is believing that it was in any way your fault."

Bill stared at him, looking like a deer with his big, doe eyes.  
He looked very vulnerable... But somehow, he seemed to... quiet down.

The next thing he did was falling forward into his arms and sighing deeply, his head nestling comfortably into Stanley's chest.  
Stanley petted his neck, pressing his nose into his hair and shutting his eyes.

It had been a while - a few years even - since they'd beaten It.  
The first days, weeks, months had been true horror for the Losers.

Stanley didn't think he'd ever been that paranoid.  
Every sound, every unexpected movement - no matter how small - was enough to put him on edge.  
He'd turned into some kind of tiny, scared animal, flinching at every single thing.

He'd been terrorised by nightmares, waking up in a puddle of sweat every, single night for the first few months.

He almost never remembered those dreams once he was awake, but he always was so struck by this paralysing fear, he couldn't move for the next fifteen minutes after waking up.

He knew for a fact he hadn't been the only one dealing with these kind of troubles.

Eddie's panic and asthma attacks doubled, leaving him with new prescriptions and three fanny packs instead of two.  
For the first few weeks, Stanley had been scared that he'd lost his usual fierceness forever (which he luckily didn't in the end).

Beverly would zone out way too often, smoking a lot more than she used to do before they went down the Neibolt. She would sometimes mention some kind of dreams she had, but she'd never get too deep into that topic...

Ben invested nearly all of his time in all kinds of new projects and seemed to skip more sleep than anything else. The bags underneath his eyes had been so dark at times, Stanley would have sworn that he could pass out wherever he was standing.

Mike was being terrorised by flashbacks and nightmares about his parents and the fire, leaving him absent-minded and quiet during the day... Whenever they'd attempted to talk to him, the boy had been a completely closed book.

Richie seemed to be the only one who tried his very best not to give in to his fears.  
He had been the one who kept some sort ambiance into their group of broken teenagers...  
But Stanley'd seen him break down into tears more than once in the middle of some stupid joke.

And Bill... Bill was completely absorbed by guilt.  
Not only over the death of his brother - which he still took the complete blame for - but also for getting his friends into this mess.  
Seeing them suffer made him suffer too.

But eventually, after all these years, the Losers kind of healed.

They grew up together, just like they grew stronger together.  
They found ways to support and help one another when someone was going through a tough time.

What they'd lived through was something no one else but themselves would ever understand.  
So they had to stick together.  
Take care of each other.  
And that's how they healed.  
Slowly but surely.  
Just like with the ugly wounds on their hands.

And just like that wound had left a scar, their experiences had also left scars on their souls.  
Sadly enough, Stanley believed there was no way they would ever not carry them around...

But didn't everyone have some sort of demons?

Stanley knew that as long as they stuck together, they'd survive.  
However cruel the world could possibly be.

The lived through inferno itself. They could take anything that was about to come their way.

"I love you."  
"Me t-too... I l-love you."

Stanley smiled and closed his eyes when he felt Bill cup his cheek.  
Their foreheads touched shortly and he received a sweet peck on the tip of his nose, followed by a warm hug.  
"You're k-keeping me s-sane."

Stanley hid his face in the crook of Bill's neck, humming shortly.  
"You're keeping me whole."

Stanley could feel Bill's chest rise a little as he let out a chuckle.  
The sound made his heart burst with happiness.

What could he say?  
Their life was far from perfect and they'd probably never be normal.

But Stanley knew he was a lucky guy for having the Losers.  
For having Bill.

And he'd cherish them and the memories they'd given and were about to give him forever and always.

Because they were his true family, the ones he'd fight for.

Yeah... Stanley loved them.  
And he'd keep loving them like he did now.

He'd keep loving Bill with this kind of never-ending, inexhaustible passion.

And even if he had to go through it all again, even if he had to face his worst fears for the second time, he'd do it for them.

He was a Loser, after all.  
And Losers loved and cared.

Until it was their very last walk in the rain.


End file.
